I shall be celebrating Englishness today by not making a fuss about it.

But the intercom just mumbled something short, and the door buzzed. He lurched for it, but as he pushed it, the buzzing stopped, and it wouldn’t move. He pulled, he pushed. Reluctantly he gave the intercom another, apologetic push, and just as he did so, the door buzzed again. He threw himself against it and […]

Winston Churchill is at a party and a woman comes up to him and says: “Mr Churchill, how marvellous to meet you. I am a huge fan.” And Churchill, a little the worse for wear, looks at her for a few seconds and then says “Fuck off you ugly cow”. A couple of days later […]

The other day I went to my front door to see if the man had pushed anything through it (I don’t know what the time was exactly, but, as I’ve said before, it doesn’t matter) and sure enough he had. Most of the items were from people I don’t know either asking me to give […]

You may have noticed that many houses in this country have placed in their front doors small rectangular holes with various sorts of more or less moveable covers. They remind me a little of cat-flaps, though they are generally far too small for a cat to squeeze through, and somewhat the wrong shape being wide […]

Keen observers may by now have realised that this website is often little more than a vehicle through which I can exercise my right to show off and be silly. Sometimes, however, I can use it to talk about occasions when others have taken time out from their busy lives to show off and be […]

In Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four, the “Two Minutes Hate” is a short film, shown to all Party members in Oceania, in which the Party’s enemies, and in particular the figure of Emmanuel Goldstein, are depicted as odious villains, for the purposes of generating a short sustained burst of extreme hate from the loyal citizens. Meanwhile, in […]

When popping out to the cash point today, I decided to start playing the Consecutive Number Plate Spotting game as defined on the website of the comedian and celebrity Richard Herring. I managed to get to 05 on the way from the bank to my front door. It would be possible at this stage to […]

I was reading that Cleopatra used to like taking a bath in “ass milk”. I thought, how strange and exotic the ancients are to us. I don’t think I can even begin to imagine what sort of a substance “ass milk” might be, but if it’s anything like the stuff that comes out of MY […]

So yet again the government or whatever have changed the time. They change the time twice a year to save daylight. They think we are stupid. Changing the time doesn’t save daylight: daylight is in the gift of the arc of the horizon, and we cannot increase or decrease it, no matter how many times […]